WELCOME TO FR. PATRICK NSIONU COLLECTIONS (for your lighter mood...)
Some Aside Stories First:
A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. "Your
Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lad here who
claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What
should I do ?"
The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm gonna look real busy !"
A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her
way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting
next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you
The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."
After a little while she again queries him. "You're really
Jewish, aren't you?"
Again he responds, "No, ma'am, I am not Jewish."
Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once
more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
To which, in exasperation and in a final effort to shut her up,
he replies, "OK. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."
"Funny," she says, looking puzzled. "You don't look Jewish!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail
to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense
committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
This is an old one recycled- for those who may have missed it.
(Courtesy of great friend, Sir Kennedy F. Apoe - Ambassador Emeritus).
"An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his
lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they
were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
held out his hand and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared
at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched
and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his
They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication
that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his long,
uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior
that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old
preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell
me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong
principles against it."
"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every
night and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked,
"Well, do you have pains in your head?
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"O.K.," said the doctor, "That's your trouble. Your halo is on
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How
about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
[11th Feb., '01].
Cosmetic Long Life - Long Life to Live - A Soul Story
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital in. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even had someone come and change the color of her hair. Since she had so much time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had Another 40+ years? Why didn't you pull me from the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her
hands and knees."
"Really? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!"
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was
getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
She said, "Yes."
He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Find out Anything about Anyone
Find Your long lost Friend
Bonus Computer spy software FREE
with (c) Net Detective 2001 purchase
More Joke + Stuff Coming! So come back to this site often, and,
Email Me: PatNsionu@Juno.com
Perhaps You Have Seen this ONE making the rounds of Friends' Circuit,
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me....
You brought another friend....
And then there were 3.
We started our group.... Our circle of friends....
And like that circle....
There is no beginning or end..
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
It's Always National Friendship Celebration.
Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
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> > > - - End of the Jokes & Stories for now- - - < < <
TRUST IN GOD, BUT PLEASE, LOCK YOUR CARS, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
A friendly advise from your good friend: Patrick Nsionu (New York Reflections).